Two kinds of people …

So it’s pretty clear from my last post or two that I was a little concerned about the size of my bump and not feeling movement. The movement thing changed late last week and comes sporadically but is good enough for me 🙂

But the bump size thing has really gotten in my head and yesterday someone at work actually asked if I was sure I was four and a half months pregnant because she couldn’t see the bump. That was the latest on a string of similar comments and it was definitely the last straw. So even though my anatomy scan is in a week I called my doctor and asked for a heartbeat check.

And guess what I heard? The most beautiful sound ever – my baby’s heartbeat strong and wonderful. 

When I told my doctor why I had been so upset he looked at me and said “you have to understand – not everyone is your friend. And even your friends may not really be your friends like you think. People don’t think before they speak and sometimes they say things to try to upset you. And for those  who are not your genuine friends there are 2 types of people – idiots and assholes. People who are too stupid to know what they’re saying and people who are just trying to upset you. So the next time someone says something to upset you just assume they’re either an idiot or an asshole and just ignore them and walk away.”

Sound advice from a medical professional. I think I’ll try that from now on. 

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Is there a bump there?

Today marks 18 weeks. I keep seeing all of you with your cute little bumps and I can’t tell if I have one.

Signs I may: I’ve been using a Bella band for weeks now and when I’m not I’m in maternity pants. People who haven’t seen me in a few weeks say there’s a little bump. I also think there might be one.

Signs I may not: I put on a few pounds during this whole process and well I can’t remember if what I think is the bump was there before I got pregnant. My husband can’t seem to tell if there’s a bump.

I’m also not feeling movement yet.

I want to feel movement! And I want a bump!

Ok my temper tantrum is over (for now)

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It never stops

Warning: I have officially become the person whose blog I would have unfollowed at this time last year. So I totally understand if you do that to me.

I’m 16 weeks and 4 days today. We just got back from our babymoon and had a wonderful time. But I’m not going to lie I’m always preoccupied with worry.

It’s been weeks since my last doctor’s appt so it’s been weeks since I’ve heard my baby’s heartbeat. Even though my pants haven’t fit in weeks I’m still not showing. I’m not feeling movement yet and really other than the raging heartburn I really don’t feel pregnant. Rather than relishing this since I was so nauseated and light headed for most of my first trimester I’m scared. Has anyone else felt like this? And by this I mean a whole lot of nothing at this point in your pregnancy??

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OMG !!!

Panorama results came in this morning – everything looks good!! That combined with the nuchal being good means we can start telling people that we are having a GIRL!!!

We told hubby’s parents and they are over the moon (which isn’t too far of a journey bc sometimes they seem like they’re from another planet) and one by one we will start letting people know.

I guess this is really happening – when will it sink in???!!!

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Hurry up and wait

So we had the nuchal scan on Wednesday and since it’s a no news is good news kind of test and we haven’t hear from the doctor yet presumably it was good. Plus the tech gave us a wink 🙂 Then I had the panorama which sounds like it should be an X-ray but is really blood work that can potentially change your entire life. This is the blood work that can tell us if there’s any type of chromosomal abnormality. They won’t do the test until 12 weeks and you don’t get your results back until 2 weeks later which puts you at 14 weeks and the end of your first trimester – which if something is wrong presents a very serious issue in terms of timing. Just went you thought you were done with the pregnancy mind-f*cks.

So now we wait for two weeks for these results. Which sucks because we really wanted to tell people when we visit family next weekend. But we’ve agreed not to say anything until we know all is copecetic in the uterus.

There’s also ways a road block to being happy. When I first found out I was pregnant it was – well let’s not get too excited your levels are low. Then the levels went up and we couldn’t get excited because there was spotting. Then the spotting stopped and then started again. Then you’re supposed to be ok when you hear the heartbeat but don’t get too excited because you’re not out of the first trimester yet. Then it’s great you’re at 12 weeks but don’t go crazy because we haven’t had the nuchal. Now we’ve had the nuchal but oh wait we have to make sure the panorama is ok.

Seriously – when can I get excited?? When can my husband and I cry tears of joy that we are having a baby?? When can I start to glow?? I want to be happy! Not reserved. Not cautious. Not shut down – happy! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!

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I think I can I think I can

We had our first ob appointment today. I’m not sure how I feel about this doctor so I’m seeing another one in the same office before I make a final decision. I love my real ob I do but he doesn’t deliver anymore so he’s not an option. This guy was nice but I didn’t click with him if that makes any sense. Plus he said kept saying I was of “advanced maternal age.” I’m 35 not 80 for crying out loud! Stop telling me how old I am.

We are supposed to have our nuchal scan and something called a panorama in 10 days. To make sure everything looks ok. Apparently those results take a week – wonderful – something else to worry about.

The good news is that the doctor said that we have to make it to 13 weeks or 12 weeks and 1 day as he put it and our risk of a miscarriage goes way down. I’m 11 weeks today and counting the days until next Wednesday. (Please like that will stop me from worrying)

I’m trying to take it one day at a time. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t really hoping the next week goes by fast (which of course means it will drag) so that I can start to feel better. I’m nauseous in the morning and a total gas bag at night! All of which I’m sure the hubby finds very attractive.

Poor hubby – he hasn’t gotten any since before the retrieval. Of course he didn’t have shots, transvaginal ultra sounds, crinone or morning sickness so my sympathy is not all that extensive.

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Worry is my new best friend

The entire time we were trying to get pregnant I worried. I worried it would never happen, that I was taking my meds wrong, that my period would come. I thought that once you get pregnant that worry stops and you’re just so happy to be pregnant that nothing else matters. I had no idea that the worry I had for so long is nothing compared to the worry I feel now.

I’ve been scared since the day the test came back positive. First I was scared because my levels were low. Then I was scared because I was spotting. Every twinge, every cramp, every pain, every stupid thing scares the hell out of me. I’m afraid to go to sleep because I may wake up bleeding or with cramps. Being pregnant isn’t what’s making me exhausted – my fear is. I’ve never been so scared and I don’t know how to control it.

My biggest fear is that my body is just moments away from getting back at me. It wouldn’t let me get pregnant so I went around it and did IVF. Now it’s going to get back at me and take everything away. Crazy? Sure. Insane? Probably. But this is what I think about.

We’ve seen the sonograms and heard the heart beat. I should be over the moon right? This is everything I’ve wanted for for so long – and I’m so scared to hold on to it and be happy.

I haven’t spotted in weeks. But this weekend I bought chemical free cleaners and xl pajamas – and today I woke up spotting. It just feels like every time I want to be happy I’m reminded that at any moment it can all go away. I have no more control today then I did over the entire process. And I think I finally accepted that I have no control. Because control has been replaced – with fear. And quite frankly fear is worse.

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